Flashbacks 101

Facebook stalking your assaulter 101:

Step one: 

Try to go to sleep. Have a flashback of his body on top of yours. Whisper slowly that you’re at home and you’re safe. You almost believe yourself. 
Slow your increased heartbeat. 
Cry about how you didn’t have it as bad and you should get over it. Police your own experience. Think about how you’re lucky you know who it was. Think about how you weren’t raped. Stop crying. You weren’t raped. 

Step two:

Slowly stop crying and calm down. Take a sip of water. Move your limbs. Text your friend who won’t get it until the morning. Remind yourself that you’re in charge of your experience. Remind yourself about group therapy sessions. 

Step three:

Try and go back to bed. Give up on that and pick up your phone. Open Facebook and search him. Only write three letters because you're afraid of your fingers typing out his name. 

Step four:

Realize his profile is locked tight and you can’t see anything but his pictures from 6 months ago that you’ve looked through seven times. Be disappointed that you can’t know more. Where is he right now? Why is he out there while you stay in bed with wide red puffy eyes and shaky hands, a ptsd riddled mess. Why does he get to live a life?

Step five: 

Ask your friend who won’t see your text until morning to get the update on his life. Feel bad about the amount of times you’ve asked her. Check the clock. It’s 2am. Realize you aren’t tired. But you are nauseous. 

Step six:

Repeat until asleep. Ignore nightmares that may occur. They are a possible side effect.