Meeting Danica Roem

On November 8th I reached out to my good friend, David Bulova regarding the recent Virginia election. I was so inspired and motivated by Danica Roem’s victory that I wanted to pull some strings in my circle and see if there was any possibility of meeting her. A week later he responded saying he had spoken to her, and that the way to contact her was through her cell phone number, which he then gave to me. We played some telephone tag, and set up a meeting. I wasn’t expecting the person I met on December 15th. I want everyone to know exactly how it was for me to meet her, and what it meant to me, and what I learned from her.

I’m only one trans person out of a few thousand that saw Danica Roem’s victory as proof that we could do the things we set our mind to, and that we could run for office. When she spoke about her victory, she spoke with such confidence and resolve and knowledge that she was 100% better and more qualified than the person she had run against, and that she was just done with his bullshit.

That’s how our conversation started. It went all around to lots of subjects, all fairly awkward because I am an awkward fuck who has social anxiety. She wanted to know what questions I had for her - but I didn’t have anything prepared. I wanted to have a conversation, not an interview. I wanted to know things that I couldn’t see from interviews about her. I wanted to talk, trans person to trans person, about being trans in the world and navigating it from the perspective of someone who accomplished something incredible.

One of the things she spoke about was how her coming out was a way to control her own narrative. Bad people can’t hold this secret against you if you’ve already put it out in the world. By taking control of the narrative and coming out on your own terms, you put the narrative back in your own hands. As someone who has been having a hard time with coming out, this was something that really stuck with me. Personally I’ve been having trouble telling people         that my name is Elliot and that I’m nonbinary. My friends are pretty good about it, but to the rest of the world I’ve stayed in the closet for fear of violence. The idea that bad things won’t happen if I come out because I will control my own narrative was a new perspective to add to my decisions.

She told me that the thing that really pissed her off was when people went after trans kids. “At least with adults” she said, “It’s a fair fight. But with kids…” she trailed off, clearly showing how unfair she felt the laws for transgender kids in Virginia were. That was one of the main reasons she was done with the incumbent’s bullshit. He had gone after trans kids. It was really cool to see someone sticking their neck out for the younger people.

I did want to know what the coolest part of her victory had been. I wanted to know that the AMA’s with Demi Lovato wasn’t the coolest thing to her. I wanted to be reminded that someone I look up to wasn’t spoiled with this big publicity, and I wasn’t disappointed. She told me about someone who wrote her a letter and came out to her in that letter, and how Danica was the first person this young trans person had told. She felt so touched that someone trusted her with that information.

I learned a few things about her that it seems like the press didn’t push as much. She doesn’t put up with people’s bullshit. She isn’t afraid to remind you that she used to investigate, so don’t try and bullshit her, just tell it exactly how it is. She’s also vulgar as fuck. She frequently said “I was done with that fucker thinking he was better than me”, or “I have something to say to that *holds up her middle finger*”.

She gave me some incredible advice about running for office. I’ve known I want to run for office for a while but I don’t know what position I want to run for or what I want to specifically get done, or who I would run against. Her advice to me was to figure out the exact thing I wanted to get done - that was the campaign promise and issue you run on. Then figure out why you’re better than the person already in office and what you’ll offer that they can’t. She told me the best start is always being a full time field organizer, and that I should look into the 2018 midterm elections against Steve Chabot in Ohio and field organize for that candidate.

She’s an ENTP, and we talked briefly about personality types. I’m an ISFJ. I reminded her of her partner, who is nonbinary trans masculine, in how I’m not good with small talk but once you get to know me I’m going to be passionate as all hell.

I was so excited to be talking, I didn’t realize my mom needed me to leave. I only got an hour with Danica, but I got an entire hour alone with Danica FUCKING ROEM. We had one hour together and I feel like I learned things to last me a lifetime. I took some notes right after to craft not only this blog post, but to be able to remember exactly what happened and how it impacted me and how it made me feel.

This is what I sent to my friends right after the meeting:

She’s incredibly protective of trans people which is really cool. And she’s not sweet, she’s a hard person who is absolutely sure in how good she is and her place in the world. She swears A LOT. And it was just so incredible to know that she was so interested in my life. Like she was very patient with the fact that I knew absolutely nothing about what I wanted to ask her, and gave me some really awesome advice about getting a seat in political office that I’d never heard before. She also told me that after I graduate I should come join her 2019 campaign full time, that there’d be a field organizer position for me if I wanted. She wanted to know my meyers Briggs type and we talked about that a bit. Apparently I remind her a lot of her partner who is also non binary!!!! We also talked about Jewish mother’s vs Italian mothers and passive aggression vs active aggression in the mothers. She was just so funny and so much “I’m not gonna take your bullshit, be authentic and skip fluff”

And this is what I posted on social media right after the meeting:

Danica Roem sees straight through bullshit and won’t let you dance around an answer. She’s sees people’s personalities and interacts with them accordingly. She’s ridiculously smart and she knows it. But she’s the kind of person that would sit down with a total stranger, trans person to trans person, and have an incredible conversation about running for office, fucking the binary right in the face, and being punk as hell. I’m SO grateful she would take the time to talk to me, and I feel so empowered because of it.

“My punk anti fascist anarchist soul respects your punk anti fascist soul - Danica after seeing my embroidery”

So how did I feel?

I felt empowered as a trans person. I felt like I gained new knowledge on campaigns that no democrate who had run had been able to tell me. I felt touched that someone I looked up to found my story important. I felt special that she took time out of her day to meet me. I felt embarassed that I didn’t have the guts to tell her that my name isn’t Jules, it’s Elliot and I’m still coming out to the people in this area. I felt like she was okay with that and understood, even if I didn’t tell her. I felt so fucking special that she found my stories and experiences interesting and worth mentoring.