Study Abroad Series 2

Study Abroad Series 2: Mental Health Abroad

My experience with anxiety was one of my biggest fears when I decided to study abroad (I know; anxiety and fear? No way!), but I insisted that I wanted to do it anyway and possibly learn how to deal with mental illness on my own/with love and help from friends.

First of all, it was completely worth it. Studying abroad has been one of the single most incredible experiences of my life and I’m incredibly grateful that i was able to do it. I was able to see and experience more than i ever thought possible.

But my mental health here was been different from the states. Not better or worse, just different. I had far more panic attacks here than I usually do in a normal semester. But usually they happened when I got drunk and went out to a club, which is something i can't do in the states. Getting drunk has never produced panic attacks before, and i realized that it's a product of my repressing the trauma I deal with until when I’m drunk there is no wall to keep repressed memories and experiences at bay and they overwhelm me to the point of a panic attack.

I only realized I repress my experiences (which produces my anxiety) last semester through therapy, and I never really got to learn how to properly process or what my repressed experiences really were. And even if I had learned that, I don’t think I would have been able to process here because I wasn't able to ever really be alone. Even when I was at my homestay there were still two people I didn't know very well very close by (they were wonderfully kind people, but I did not feel comfortable enough around them to get extremely close). When I was at home i spent all my time alone in my room, striving to have some way to recharge in my own space but not really being granted that because i wasn't at home and wasn't going to get that there. I realized this caused me to be “on” all the time. My battery of energy never really recharged and didn't get a lot of self reflection.

When I did end up alone on a walk or hike, I found myself incredibly sad and anxious because there were things happening that I didn't have the time alone or energy or capacity to talk about and deal with, so when i was alone everything flooded and i just got overwhelmed and shut down.

When i'm in the states i get time to reflect and look internally and think about what's going on around me and how my brain is reacting to it. I get to recharge by being alone and turn on when i want to.

When I was signing up to come abroad, I was told by program coordinators and staff alike that studying abroad was harder for people with mental illness, but they never really told me how it would be harder. I was mostly on my own to figure it out and worry and wonder how I would handle everything. I made a plan for ways to cope with anxiety abroad, but none of the plans really included what I needed because I didn't know I would need it. Ultimately that is the problem with the resources available: everyone needs something different, and you don't know what it is until you are there.

Ultimately as I go into another program (not abroad, but not at home either) I am glad to know what I need going in and I am attempting to find ways to cope with the stressors of working far away from my support system in LA.

Never let having anxiety stop you from doing what you want to do. You'll be anxious either way so why not be anxious and do something amazing rather than be anxious and sit at home thinking about how scared you are.

In the words of my favorite songwriter, “don't let the cracks in the street stop you from moving your feet”